Shattered Walls Part 1

Over the past two months I’ve seen more and more how God works in our lives and ways he reveals things to us. Some are subtle, some are gentle, and others are incredibly direct. During the last week of training camp I was hit by one of these direct revelations and it honestly caused me a lot of pain. Or rather I should say it revealed a lot of pain that I was hiding.
I strongly believe that the lord doesn’t cause pain, but instead allows us to experience it in order to learn and be drawn to him. This was one of those times, and it was honestly much more painful than anything I could have imagined it to be.
I forget if I’ve mentioned a man named Aaron in my previous blogs, but if not I’ll explain who he is. Aaron was a member of the Adventures In Missions staff who had signed up for Kitchen, but in the end the Lord had led him to be a mentor and encourager for the racers. He is very clearly gifted from the Lord with words of wisdom and insight unlike anything I’ve seen before. Me and him got to spend a lot of time together, and it was so fascinating to see the Holy Spirit constantly at work in his life. It was incredibly common to be around Aaron and suddenly mid conversation(or board game), he sees someone walking by and says that he wants to talk with them, or even better would ask them an incredibly deep question. The Lord truly used him to pour into the lives of those around him and it was incredible to see. Almost every person he spoke to was incredibly moved and challenged by what he had to share or the questions he asked, especially since most were unmistakably personal to them.
So now that you have a slight understanding of who Aaron is, I’ll share my experience with him. As I said, this happened during the final week of training camp. Before this, me and him had a brief conversation where he really was pushing me to fast. I never had fasted before, but I knew there more than one kind of fast, and I also knew that if I was gonna do it then I needed to have a personal reason and not just to get it over with. So this being said I eventually decided to fast my phone the last week of training camp. I find it more than just mere coincidence that that same day that I turned my phone in to my leader Banks, Aaron approached me and the two of us had a very deep conversation.
In comparison to the most of Aaron’s conversations, ours was very short, but that didn’t change the fact that so much was talked about and revealed. In a summary we talked about multiple parts of my life that I had been keeping to myself, hiding away, and burying deep down. He brought up the fact that I don’t like people being involved in my problems. This is in part because I don’t want to be a burden, but the Lord began to reveal a deeper truth which is that I don’t trust others. I don’t trust them to stay around if I reveal my true self to them, and so I’d rather not risk it.
He illustrated it as a maze that I designed with the purpose of protecting myself from feeling pain. I’ve been building this maze for years now and have really mastered control of my own emotions. Everyone I meet is put through this maze of mine, however not everyone experiences it the same. I’m able to open and close certain paths depending of how much I want to show them and how much I’m willing to risk.
I’ve always detested “fake” people that put on a mask and hide their true self, and so I’ve made an effort to not lie to people, but in that I instead feed them half truths. I can only remember a few times where I truly showed my full self to those around me, one of them being the first revival night at training camp. Other than then, I only show parts of me and not my full self.
This is a habit that I’ve built up over years but am now realizing how truly detrimental it is in my life but most importantly in my walk with God. I’m now aware that my habit of hiding pain and all negative emotion from others has also been something I do with God. I love to bring him my Joy, thankfulness, and love, but I avoided ever bringing frustration, sadness, pain, and grief.
Aaron spoke into this in particular and asked if I trusted God. My answer was obviously yes, but then he brought up the question of why don’t I trust him with my emotions then? This truly stumped me because I felt like I had a good understanding over my trust in the lord, but what I ended up coming to the conclusion of was that I had the knowledge that I should trust him but not the full practice. Aaron explained that full trust requires me to bring everything to him, but I still questioned that because I felt as if bringing these things to him was complaining and who was I to complain, who was I to question God. That’s when he used the example of a father taking his son to get shots. the son cries all the way there and then asks the father, why am I getting needles stuck in me. The father out of love explains why and that it’s for his own good. A few minutes later the kid asks again, and once again out of love the father answers. this continues until the Kid gets the shot. Does the kid not trust the father? No. Then why does he continue to ask questions? Because he’s afraid, and DOES trust him. He asks his father a question because he trusts his answer. in this same way God wants me to trust him.
So now to condense what I want to share, the lord is walking me through a lot right now, every day, constantly, but the two main things are to be vulnerable with the people he has placed around me, and to trust him and have comfort in his faithfulness. I’m running out of time I have to write right now, but in the next post I make I’ll go into more detail in how God has already been moving me into these things and walking beside me through it all.
Thank you for your time reading this. I know that life is busy and so every minute you give me is very meaningful. Be praying for me in this, that I continue to see God’s work around me and continue to find comfort in resting in him. Trusting him with all my heart, mind, and soul.
God Bless!